Tommy Cooperisms - QUALITY

Stories and jokes that are of interest. Note, we have an international and multi-cultural audience.

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Tommy Cooperisms - QUALITY

Postby graham » Sat Sep 02, 2006 1:59 pm

> > Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
> > The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
> >
> > --------------------------------------------------------------------
> > Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
> > Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
> >
> > --------------------------------------------------------------------
> > "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
> > "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
> > "Is it common? "
> > "It's not unusual."
> >
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
> > The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
> >
> > --------------------------------------------------------------------
> > A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
> > "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
> > "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
> > So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
> > Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
> > "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
> > "No, because he's really heavy"
> >
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > Guy goes into the doctor's.
> > "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
> > "How's that?"
> > "Don't you start"
> >
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
> > "Well you can't say fairer than that then"
> >
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
> >
> > -------------------------------------------------------------------
> > What's brown and sounds like a bell?
> > DUNG
> >
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > What do you call a fish with no eyes?
> > A fsh.
> >
> > ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > So I went to the dentist.
> > He said "Say Aaah."
> > I said "Why?"
> > He said "My dog's died.'"
> >
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > "So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
> > 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
> >
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > "So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local
>swimming
> > baths?
> > 'He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
> >
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > "So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my
> > house.
> > ' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
> >
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
>people
> > in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad.
> > Or
> > my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think
> > it's Colin.
> >
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
> > said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
> > And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted
>again...'
> > And I swerved again.
> > He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went
> > into a tree.
> > And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I
> > careered off the road.
> >
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in
> > went
> > back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'.
> > And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'
> >
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me
>a
> > lift?"
> > I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
> >
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
> > The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d!"
> >
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste
>funny
> > to you?"
> >
> > -------------------------------------------------------------------
> > Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the
> > other
> > was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
> >
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
> > They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
> > So that was nice."
> >
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a
> > long
> > time" The man replied "I know I've been ill"
> >
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several
> > places"
> > The doctor said "well don't go there any more"
> >
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
> >
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect
> > from a cross-breed.
> >
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we both
> > got
> > a bit frisky and decided to do something about it.
> > So we decided we'd take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.
> >
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > I went to buy some camoflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
> > any...
> >
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the
> > next 2 years.
>
graham
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